idk what should i feel after go through the medical report. u kinda don’t wanna believe it but at the same time u kinda expecting that. 

the report was pretty bad. i got high cholestrol, my bone density is poor & doctor expect me to have thalassemia from the blood test analysis bcs i have low blood pressure & also low red blood so she suggest me to a blood test once again to diagnose.

no wonder i got faint easily, i also got tired/sleepy easily these days that i couldn’t control.

idk what to feel.... i want to ignore the fact that i have to go to the hospital regularly starts now. bcs i just found out that thalassemia cannot be cure unless u go masuk darah every month to be like a normal person & also take medication. if not then i have tendency to have other disease. 

idk... 

change

idk but recently i enjoy spending time alone as much as i used to enjoy being in groups/crowds. surprisingly, i feel exhausted after spending too much time around other people. 

i think i’m slowly becoming an introvert...

when u tell someone what u feel then they try to comfort u by saying things like “tgk org tu okay je dia handle, be like him/her” “u overthink, think positive” etc

tbh, aku rasa nak lempang bila dengar macam tu. i end up say nothing at all bcs no one actually understand. semua rasa remeh & tak nak dgr pun actually & want me to actually get up & face this cruel world.

u r not in my shoes, u dunno what i feel. i think in different ways. 

whoever are reading this, pls do not compare ur friends’ problem to other people’s problem. it might be the same but the burden is not. 

u dun even know what’s in his/her head. jangan menyesal bila ko tahu esok lusa dia dah mati sebab dia rasa kwn dia taknak dgr apa masalah dia.

i went to computer lab wanted to print out all the research materials about what i am goin to present later on so that i can convince my lecturer to actually show how deep i research this guy (i have to pick up one icon. it can be someone famous/successful/etc)

then the moment i come back to the studio i know that’s me who gonna present after this. i couldn’t breathe probably, my hands was shaking, i got panic at the same time then there goes my anxiety coming.. my eyes couldn’t control it. idek wth am i crying. my tears keep draining out 

while i’m presenting...

“AZLIN, R U SICK?!?!”

“pardon sir?”

“r u sick?”

“......”

that was really stab me right into my heart. u know that’s true but u dun wanna  others to know. even the one who close to me.

 u just dun want to burden anyone. they might say things like, its ok think positive just do it, lecturer will say that i am lazy bcs i cannot produce anything & etc. but the truth is, i am the one who struggling my own emotions, keep trying to fight my own demon, pickup myself back & try all over again (bcs no one will do), try not to overthinking, fight my anxiety & all these are not easy without someone who can support. 

i literally have no one to trust here. NO ONE. even my close friend here. i know people will think that i am just lazy. 

no.

unless they are feeling the same as i do

i know no one will 

i may not excites u anymore. the way u treat me tells a lot about how u feel about me. well.. i know. i am just the one who gets excited when i got a text from u, to always pickup ur calls, to always find a way to meet u, to be there with u whenever u need to, to not giveup no matter how many time i fall & never stop loving u each and everyday. 

oh god.. i have never feel this in a very long time. it brings me back to the old days where i used to just keep it all the pain to myself & cry my heart out. 

i would just pour my thoughts here. where no one could find me. well i hope he read this but at the same time, i dun wanna let him know how broken i am. inside & out.

the only thing that i hope is just u could understand me more than anyone else.  that is all.

but idk, from what i see.. u never understand how my architecture life. atleast try to understand but u just disagree with everything i say.

people may think that being sad & depressed are the same thing but no. yup, those are not the same thing. sad is like u go meroyan and all, meratapi, etc. depressed is like u dun wanna talk about it. u lost. u keep it all to urself. u go a day with laying in ur bed, ur mind is elsewhere. u just lost. didn't find urself.

be still, dearself.

we have no time to fall apart today.

:)

how

i am just tired. tired of all. tired of being the one who always let u win. 

it seems like, u doesn't interested in me. like u used to. 

i think it's time for me to build up my wall again. ego is one of the thing bcs u r the only one that makes me lower my ego, i learnt that it is alright to lower ur ego for someone u love but i think, it's a mistake. 

no, it hurts me so bad when u r just ok without me but u.. haih. why is it so easy for u but not for me?

how

idk if i can handle this all by myself, or i will just let it slide & see what happens next. this is clearly not myself. i hate how I am becoming this kind of person. somehow i hate being clingy. i hate being in love. i hate depending on u. i hate that I can't even go a day without u. 

obviously i am devastated.